We put the call out for kink101 FAQs. Our sexperts, each with different backgrounds, gave us the full download: from every angle you can imagine.
RACHEL WRIGHT, licensed clinical sex therapist
What would you say to those new to kink?
My biggest recommendation would be to learn as much as you can about kink and what you’re interested in (books, workshops, articles, etc.) and to find community. There are so many different ways kink can look — it’s something “outside the norm,” which in our society/culture is basically heterosexual missionary penetrative penis-in-vagina sex. Learn all of the different kinks and make a list of hard NOs, things you definitely want to try, and then maybes. Then, share with your partner(s). Also, remember kink isn’t always sexual and can help strengthen relationships.
What about those looking to deepen their relationship to kink?
Take some advanced workshops, keep learning, try some new things that feel more “advanced,” or start up sex coaching or therapy to continue to grow and explore your somatic and emotional experience with kink.
How might someone in a traditionally “vanilla” relationship explain their growing interest in kink to their partner(s)?
Use my AEO Framework —
Step 1: Acknowledge
This first step of this conversation itself is important but usually skipped over. It entails naming the reality or the thing that no one wants to say, right out loud. It typically starts with "I know…" and can sound something like, "I know we haven’t talked about kink before," or "I know that our sex life has typically been ‘vanilla’."
Step 2: Explain
It's common to often dive into conversation, tossing the person you're talking to a giant ball of feelings and thoughts, and then look at them like, "so what do we do?" Following this structure can help you communicate your thoughts and feelings and start to make progress on the next steps.
For example: "I feel ___(emotion)____ when/about ____(topic/action contributing to that feeling)___."
Example 1: "I feel scared to share with you some things I’d really love to try, sexually, with you, if you’re open.”
Example 2: “I feel excited to try some power dynamics, I think it’s a kink of mine.”
Example 3: “I feel incredibly connected to you when we share our sexual wants, desires, and fantasies with each other.”
Step 3: Offer
The offer statement gives your partner an idea of what you want (remember: no one can read minds), a baby step towards a more robust solution, or your idea of a fix.
Try: "What I would really like to do is…." or "Something I'd like to do is…." or "I'd really like to…" followed by "how does that sound?" or "what do you think?"
Example 1: "I would love to try reading some books or watching some workshops with you around kink. What do you think?"
Example 2: "It would help me so much if you could share what you’re interested in trying, too. Does that sound like something you could do?"
JULIETA CHIARA, sex-posi lifestyle expert
What would you say to those new to kink?
If you’re new to kink, I would say to come in with an open mind ready to explore! The world of kink, or sexual practices outside of the norm, can mean a lot of things and it’s easy to get overwhelmed. By keeping an open mind you can explore what kink means to you and what interest fall in your lab to create your kink identity.
Keeping an open mind, 3 steps to help you enter the kink world can be…
- Research:
Have you had any kinky things in mind? For example, blindfolding: Researching blindfolding can help understand why it’s kinky, what’s the excitement behind it, and how you can utilize it.
This article from health line is a really good start to understand with is kink & BDSM, what does it include, consent, best practices, and even scientific reasons why it’s ohhhh so good for you!
https://www.healthline.com/health/healthy-sex/kinky-sex-bdsm
- visit a local or online Sex shop.
A local sex shop will have plenty of kink tools and an educated employee to help you understand what they are for. An online sex shop will also have options, and usually come with an explanation / website blog that could be of assistance. From here you get education + inspiration. For starters, I recommend getting a “bondage kit” which usually comes with things like cuffs, paddles, leash, ect to help try a little bit of everything.
- Read!
Being kinky isn’t just about dungeons…. It’s so much lighter than that! A book like “101 kinky things even you can try” by Kate Sloan is a great starter to get inspo and read with your partner to see which kinky things sound appealing.
What about those looking to deepen their relationship to kink?
If you want to deepen your relationship to kink, I would recommend intentionally diving i to what kink means to you. What parts of kink do you enjoy? What does the energy of kink do for you? Are there new things that you want to explore and you’re wishing to understand them? When you get to the root of why kink works for you, and what it could potentially expand your mind to, that’s when we can make it a deeper practice!
How might someone in a traditionally “vanilla” relationship explain their growing interest in kink to their partner?
before coming to your partner, make sure to research the kinks that you’re interested in that way you can come to a conversation equipped with information. When talking to your partner about trying these new kinks, make sure you’re in a neutral setting it to discuss and get their thoughts on it. Discussing our new kinks and desires in the middle of sex is not a place, that can feel like putting a lot of pressure on your partner or on yourself. I always recommend explaining what the kink is, why you’re interested in it, and why you want to do it with them. That way your partner can get a full scope of your desire and be able to consider it.
SUPER SMASH CACHE, sex toy blogger and renowned toy critic
What would you say to those new to kink?
If someone's new to kink, I suggest yes/no/maybe lists, broad books (such as 101 Kinky Things Even You Can Do by Kate Sloan), and watching porn with partners. These are all exploratory, low-pressure ways to get a temperature read before going deeper.
How might someone in a traditionally “vanilla” relationship explain their growing interest in kink to their partner(s)?
I don't think either party has to understand it fully to sample the buffet — sometimes, it's just "This thing really turns me on. Want to see for yourself just how into it I am?" Sometimes, you find the explanations as you negotiate, try things, and debrief. And all of that is fluid as you get to know yourself, your partner, and your interactions with social roles and psychological expectations. (I'll discuss that in a minute.)
What about those looking to deepen their relationship to kink?
Get curious about what your subconscious is telling you about your desires. Sometimes, kinks arise because of insecurities, idealized other lives, or wanting to reach an altered state of mind.
For example, do you roleplay an extreme version of what you're scared of because you like the thrill of risk? Do you want to feel out of control because it means taking a break from responsibility and the pressure to be perfect? How can you feel safe recreating that feeling?
In kink, there's a lot of intelligence that bleeds over into other parts of your life, regardless of whether you make BDSM a 24/7 lifestyle.
